Sexual experimentation is earned, not inherited. Unless you’re dating a dominatrix, it requires time, tact, and trust: 66 percent of the women we surveyed said they’re most willing to experiment later in a relationship.
How can you put yourself on the fast track? “Make her feel like she won’t be judged,” says Candida Royalle, an erotic-film producer and the author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do. “There’s the whole ‘slut’ complex you have to get past.” Here’s a three-step plan for jumpstarting her wildest desires.
1. Plant the seed. The best erotic icebreaker? The written word. “Women like the story aspect of porn,” says Patti Britton, Ph.D., author of The Art of Sex Coaching. “But sometimes pornography can be too shocking.” A softer touch: Fuel her imagination by slipping a bookmark into a sexy scene in a classic, classy novel—The Garden of Eden, by Ernest Hemingway, say, or something contemporary like The Time Traveler’s Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger.
2. Feel her out. Introduce the idea indirectly. Add a steamy, woman-friendly film to your Netflix queue—In the Cut, The Thomas Crown Affair (the newer one), or our favorite, A History of Violence—and use the sex scene as a conversation catalyst. Or reference something sexy you saw in a magazine (such as this very article), Royalle suggests. “That way, you can ask your partner, ‘Did you ever think of doing that?’ without pointedly saying, ‘This is what I want.'”
3. Start tame. Come to bed in buttless chaps and a ball gag and, chances are, you’ll spend the night alone. Try pubic grooming as a starter kit for kink: More than 67 percent of women we surveyed said they’d be up for a trim, if asked (and 55 percent have gone completely bare at least once). “It helps pave the way for more playful experimentation,” says Royalle, who suggests offering to let her trim you first. (Ninety-five percent of men said they’d be up for a trim.)
Watch and Learn
Masturbation isn’t just her release valve; it’s your sex school—if she’ll let you watch. “It’s very intimate, but it is important for her to share what she likes,” says Melinda Gallagher, cofounder of the women’s sexual empowerment group CAKE and coauthor of A Piece of CAKE: Recipes for Female Sexual Pleasure.
Lower the stage-fright factor by encouraging her to guide your hands. Once she’s okay with sharing, Gallagher says, she might be willing to start a toy box—or pry open the one she’s been hiding from you. No toys? Log on. “Shopping together lets you talk about your fantasies and your limits,” says Nagoski. All without hitting the smut shop on Route 6.
Fulfill Her Every Fantasy
Role playing means more than squeezing her into that old cheerleader outfit. “A woman’s sexual thoughts are kinky and creative,” says Gallagher. “Becoming someone else can unlock those desires.” Translation: She’ll be up for acting out her wildest fantasies. “Some women like the rush of being swept away,” says Gallagher. So, what are you waiting for, men? There’s a damsel in distress in the next room. Go save her.